John Carter is my hero.

Probably not as much as the next guy, but I do like simple escapist films from time to time. Unfortunately, there are so few of them. Genuinely escapist films, that is. The superhero drivel only serves to point out to audiences in the most slavish fashion that they are, in fact, inescapably in the real world; The Adventures of Tintin was simply an experiment in cramming as much plot into just under two hours as possible; the Star Wars movies (all of them, really) and the Matrix franchise are too full of pseudo-Eastern philosophy and "character development" to be much fun.

One reason I love reading books by Edgar Rice Burroughs is that the man had an exquisite sense of pace and a love of good old fashioned action. He wasn't a good writer, but he wasn't really trying to be. He told adventure stories, and he did it quite well.

I was expecting John Carter to be pretty awful. One of the main problems with adventure/action movies these days is that the protagonist always has to undergo some kind of self-realization experience, reaching into his heart for the strength to do what needs to be done, usually called "the right thing" by the skewed ethics of modern filmdom. Why wouldn't they do that to the Earthman-turned-Marsman hero?

Magically, they didn't. Maybe it was because Michael Chabon helped write the screenplay, or maybe it was simply because the director isn't an idiot, but John Carter actually met my hopes and shattered my expectations. I'm not saying this was a great movie; it didn't have anything to say, and it was simply an adventure story. Which is why I loved it.

If your story has no real significance, don't bore us all to death and make yourself look foolish by pretending it does. Director Andrew Stanton (better known for his work with Pixar) avoided that common sin by making a film that wasn't overly corny (it had its moments), featured a love story that actually included some subtlety and wasn't sophomoric, and had action you could actually follow visually (unlike G.I. Joe, Transformers, or just about any Marvel movie). It also wasn't crude, disgusting, or unnaturally obsessed with the sexuality of its clearly beautiful characters.

The part when John Carter fights an entire Martian army is way cool.

And largely why this movie exists. It's meant to give audiences a good time, and it does. It doesn't insult their intelligence by pretending to have anything meaningful to say. It simply glories in being awesome. There will clearly be sequels; I hope they live up to this one.